No one ever grows up thinking they’ll one day have kids or a child with special needs. Sometimes you’re lucky to have happy, healthy, and normal (labeled by society) children. Then there are the ones, such as myself, who give it one last shot for another child and then end up with a beautiful child. One that comes with extra special needs.
As special as he is to me, there were many days and nights of praying for guidance. Praying and making deals with God to make him okay. Please, just make him normal and if it does turn out that he’s normal, I’ll give up (insert every bad habit here!)
It took a long time for me to be okay with the situation, even saying that out loud and validating this feeling, I still find myself constantly worrying. He makes me so happy and then I find myself always second-guessing everything.
Did I cause this?
Is it too much?
Could I have tried something else?
Am I asking too much?
Confessions
- Not all moms are alike – I hate when I hear moms talk about how “bad” their child is or how he/she is really something else. Moms telling me their child won’t listen or how their toddler always talks-back when being told to do something they don’t want to do.
Do you know how much I would give to hear my son talk back to me? Do you know how much I hate that he can’t even express one ounce of how he feels about what I make him do except that he lashes out and slams the door when he’s not sure what’s going on? - Everyone wants a say – no it is not from bad omen, I didn’t do something in my past life to deserve this, and no…I don’t believe in having a ritual ceremony will cure him of Autism, I will not pray the Autism out of him.
He is my child, yes it’s hard, but damn it, if it was so damn easy everyone would be doing it. There are many kids out there with special needs that needs adopting. Please, just have your say so I can smile, nod, and then politely excuse myself because that’s what Hmong woman do! (sarcastic voice) - “F” you and your support group – I don’t care how many moms out there feel like they can relate to me or that I know I can relate to at times because, at the end of the day, we all still have a feeling of isolation.
Do you know how many Hmong moms out there go to support groups? ZERO! Sure, I’ll take him to go do things that are friendly and held by Autism societies in the area, but I hate doing it. Do you know how it feels to walk into a room full of parents and their children and you are the only one that looks like you? - It’s okay, it’ll be fine – stop telling me to just bring him with. No, it’s not okay and I don’t know if it’ll be fine. The last thing I want is to bring him somewhere he’s never been and it becomes not okay. It’s not okay when he lashes out, runs and takes off and hides.
He’ll scream on the top of his lungs wanting to leave and I stare at you and you give me that “I’m so sorry” and freaked-out look and you have no idea how to help.
It’s only okay, it’ll only be fine only on his own time. - Stop being so boring – What, are we still in high school?! Yes, my life as a mom is very routine, always have and always will be. I do it because children need structure and schedule, well to a degree. My child who is autistic needs structure and schedule to always be on point. Anything new into the schedule has to be talked about leading right up to the minute it happens. So yes, I will be boring. I am going to be boring and bring my child home for him to calm down his nerves for a little while and do our routine so he can actually go to bed. I am going to be boring and skip out on drinks cause I know it’ll be a long night if I don’t go home now.
Vent Over
I know I can’t be the only mom who thinks this way and at the end of the day even if we can relate we’ll still feel a little bit isolated. To me, I’m a-ok with it, I’m so good with that feeling! If not, well thanks for reading my confessions.
-Anna MV
