As a mom, I always wonder if I’m doing what’s right for Kyson. Often, I sit a contemplate about the “what ifs” and “maybes” I should try something else. Would he like it? Would it benefit him?

Next week Kyson turns 6, next month we celebrate 2 years of him being in ABA therapy, and this upcoming school year he will be one of the youngest 1st graders. Is it just me or am I the only one who fears everything in his path.

Reading blogs and stories from the community who are “actually autistic” scares the hell out of me. Will he resent me one day for doing all this for him?

Top 10 Concerns of a Mom of an “actually autistic” child

1. Who will love him if (knock on wood) I’m no longer here?

I think this one tops it for most parents, the fear of what will happen when you are no longer here. If you should die unexpectedly, then what will happen to him?

2. Will he ever be able to express his needs?

We’re getting there, baby steps. I hope to get him comfortable enough so that when the day does come and I’m no longer here, he’ll be able to approach someone to ask for help.

3. Will he hate his childhood cause I made him do all this?

I think this is only because Autism is still so new to me. I feel like I learn something new every day. At least Kyson does teach me little lessons every day, I just hope that he doesn’t resent me for trying what I only knew I could.

4. Will he resent me for pushing him too many times?

The many tantrums we’ve overcome and look forward to, I know there will be many. Will he resent me for always pressuring him to try his best? One day, perhaps he may be able to tell me and I pray he won’t resent me for it.

5. Will he have friends, date, get married, have children?

I hate to say it, but will he ever be normal? Will he grow up to have a friend he can trust, will he meet someone to make him feel whole and quite honestly the number one question…will I be a Grandma?

6. Will he be able to function within society?

I hope he finds his passion one day and finds a career that will make him happy. No matter what the career path is.

7. Will his failures be blamed because of his parenting?

8. Will he learn self-awareness to lead a fulfilling life?

9. Is he happy?

10. Who will love him when I’m no longer here?

As I note “who will love him when I’m no longer here?” as number 1 and number 10, only because it is the question that runs again and again in my head. It is my most concerned fear for his path in his future.

Heartbreaking

I think many parents with children who have special needs will always ask themselves this. We fear that it’s only because we know our children’s needs best. No one will ever know them as we do. No one will ever go above and beyond for them but yourself.

My heart breaks as I write this. It’s how much I feel about his future.

We only want what’s best, but yet we fear all the adversity our child will face. Will children understand that we tried our best, we did the best we could, and there isn’t a day that goes by that we don’t worry?

Conclusion

Parenting is so hard! But then we will second guess and wonder “did I “really” do the best I could?”

We will find comfort in other parents who struggle and have similar situations, but eventually still think, no one will ever know my child like I know him.

A concerned mother,

-Anna MV